I'm a slacker

I didn't realise how long it had been since i've posted. There's so much going on in my head and I have been lying awake nights thinking a thousand thoughts but I can't seem to get them from my head to the keyboard of my computer.

DH and I missed counselling this week. We had a fight the day before and he said he didn't want to go. We're putting it off til next fortnight, or maybe just putting it off forever, I don't know yet. I am still going, but I don't have an appointment either, I need to make one.

I think he's finally realising that our relationship is over, which is a good thing. Although he's very sad. I guess I did that bit already. Probably a lot longer ago than anyone realises.

I know I haven't really gone too much into the reasons behind my decision to separate from DH in any of my blogs, just that we've been having "issues". I don't really want to go into it much but DH has anger issues and also behaviours that i'm not happy about. Pretty much he needs a kick up the arse and to grow the hell up. He needs to realise he's not 16 anymore and he has responsibilities. He has a daughter from his first marriage, she's 13 now, he hasn't called her since he moved out, which must be about 6 weeks ago now. Although she hasn't rung here asking for him either.

He has communicated to me today that he knows that it's over, he still loves me (I was tempted to say 'you're only human' but decided against it in the nick of time) but he'll just try to keep in mind that we're going to counselling to attempt better communication for Lachie's sake, not to get back together.

He may be moving away towards the end of the year. He has a chance at a step up in his career and this would be a great move for him. He is dedicated to going (with or without me he says, but he knows now that it will be without me). It will be a good thing for him and a chance to restart his life and make amends with himself and maybe realise his potential. He's a very intelligent guy but he just makes poor decisions and let's his anger get in the way of his life.

Things sure have changed around here since he's been gone. The house is tidy most of the time. I am enjoying (some) cleaning and de-cluttering - although I need a lot more time to really get my teeth into this. I need to get into a better routine but i'm getting there and it feels really good. There's so much I want to do, like today I was looking out the window and noticed how dirty they are, so there's a job for a sunny day! I'm not complaining about the housework cos i'm the only one who can do it, so i'm just doing what I can when I can and i'm really happy about that.

I didn't used to open the blinds or sit outside much, I truly think I was trying to hide myself away from the world and shut out the pain of being in a dead end relationship by shutting myself inside with no contact with the outside world on weekends. That has changed so much now. I open all the blinds, I let the sun in, DS and I got outside as much as we can and i'm really enjoying it. I think i've been a sad sack for way too long.

Today I tidied up out the back and swept and de-cobwebbed the outdoor setting. I sat out there with DS for a little while in the sun reading Harry Potter and just loving relaxing in my own home. It was brilliant.

Unfortunately I forgot that I was supposed to go to work this afternoon and had to cut short my lizard-like behaviour and race down the freeway to meet an Assessor who is coming to help out with the storm claims. By the time I got back the sun was gone, but I cleaned up out the back in preparation for next weekend's tanning/book reading efforts! Now where did I put those new swimmers I bought, maybe i'll start tanning for real and by the time summer gets here i'll have a head start!!

It's so peaceful and calm here at our house now, i'm loving it (loving it sick!! hehe). I really believe i've made the best decision possible for DS and I and I just know there's something better out there for us (and I don't mean men - I just mean life).

Hugs and kisses to you all.